Tears streamed down my cheeks as I struggled to get her to latch. What I always imagined would be the most beautiful bonding experience between me and this little human I created was building a divide thicker than I could measure. Finally she latched on and a sense of
relief mixed with dread overcame my body. My hands trembled as another bout of nausea took over my chest. I quickly placed her down in the bassinet as I
dry heaved into the trash can. My body had the urge to throw up, but there was nothing to release. Days had gone by that the only thing I put into my body was a few crackers here and there. Each time I tried to eat put me right back where I started; vomiting into the toilet. Would I ever be able to eat again? The bare pits of my stomach plummeted to my feet.
Empty.
Scared.
Isolated.
Despite my void of emotion, I attached so tightly to the notion that breastfeeding made me a “good mom”. As I looked at this tiny human that I loved so deeply at my core, at my surface I felt nothing but numb. What was wrong with me? The first couple of weeks home I was fine and now I was spiraling into a dark hole both physically and emotionally. The physical symptoms hit like a ton of bricks, while the emotional implications were more gradual. The joint pain, the nausea, the full body rash,
the vomiting, the inability to eat or drink, the disconnect from this beautiful baby. Furthermore, the disconnect from the world and those around me. If this was my life now, life wasn’t worth living. The thought of ending my life lay dormant in my mind, but truthfully, I felt too exhausted to act upon it. Gradually parts of me I once knew so well faded away and I was unrecognizable. 15+ hours went by and I couldn't get out of bed. Minutes turned into hours and hours turned into days. Certainly something went wrong during my birth trauma and emergency c-section; doctor visits and phone calls were frequent. Finally, the diagnosis came to fruition. Severe Post Postpartum Depression.
The weeks following are a blur. Trips to the doctor, emergency room visits, and the inability to take care of myself are splinters of memories that seep through my mind. I couldn’t eat and I was severely dehydrated, despite my family's best efforts to take care of me. I got extremely sick every time I nursed, but nothing was going to deter me. While I don't think my turbulent experience with breastfeeding was the culprit to my PPD, it certainly was a factor and interfered with recovery. Ava cluster fed and I wasn’t producing enough milk. I was literally up the entire night, every night, trying to feed her. As I continued to nurse, I was depleting myself and doing everything except focus on my health, both mental and physical. I will never forget the moment in the ER when I asked the doctor if they had a pump I could use. My husband looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “We love you. We need you. We need you to stop and get better.”
I had a predisposition to anxiety, so informing myself about perinatal mood disorders wasn’t something I took lightly. I had done so much research while pregnant to prepare myself for any outcome and this just wasn’t in the books. I had no idea that Postpartum Depression could have so many physical implications along with the absolute loss of control of my emotional stability. There was no way to be prepared for this.
Upon learning about the tragedy that happened in Duxbury, MA recently I feel shaken at my core. While I didn’t have Postpartum Psychosis…what if it had gone in that direction? I had such vivid thoughts about harming myself and I thank God that I was able to get the help I needed before it was too late. 10-15% of women suffer from Postpartum mood disorders in the U.S. This is something that needs to be talked about and women deserve to get the help they need. Aside from talking to your OB and/or visiting the emergency room (which are both crucial steps), here are some other resources that may not be as widely known.
MCPAP for Moms: In the state of MA, MCPAP for Moms is an organization that supports women with perinatal mood disorders. During pregnancy, I highly recommend finding out which organization in your state provides this type of care just in case you end up needing it.
FDA approved medication for Postpartum Depression: This medication wasn’t developed yet when I had PPD in 2019. If you experience severe symptoms, ask your doctor if you qualify. Even if you don’t qualify, antidepressants worked wonders for me to provide relief (although not immediate relief).
JF&CS Postpartum Depression and Anxiety Support Group: Regular Postpartum support groups are not the route to go when experiencing PPD. Hearing and seeing other women Postpartum who were not experiencing a perinatal mood disorder made me resentful. However, finding a support group tailored to women experiencing perinatal mood disorders helped me connect and realize I wasn’t alone. This group is virtual now, I wonder if you can join from different states?
It’s taken me until now to be able to talk openly about what I went through with Postpartum Depression. To this day, talking about it reopens a chapter of my life that I long to forget. If we are going to break the stigma in our society, then we need to break the silence. We need to listen. We need to take these life threatening conditions seriously. We need to get women the help they deserve.
Erica
I remember so clearly the moment this photo was taken. It was the fist time since diagnosed with PPD that I started to feel like myself again and I knew everything was going to be okay.