The guilt that carried with me from my last relationship is no longer at the forefront of my mind. I can honestly say I only have adoration in my heart for my last boyfriend and truly believe he has learned and grown from our situation. I am confident he would be much more prepared to deal with life challenges with a partner today. Don’t get me wrong, he is a great person and was always there for me as my BRCA journey began. And at the time, I couldn’t ask for more.
I vividly remember the night we broke up. I stood there numb, wondering if I was still standing. I can still taste the bitter tears dripping into my mouth and onto the floor, taking in each breath was a laborious task. While the pain of holding on in recent months was agonizing, the type of pain that you can’t describe in words, the feeling of potentially letting go hurt worse.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be the man you needed me to be” he whispered in between sobs as we embraced tightly.
What I didn’t realize at the time was, that night in his apartment was not the beginning of our end. Hindsight is funny that way. In the moment something can feel so certain, so obvious. And with time, perspective, and I’d like to think maturity- the same situation can look so different. Our demise began when I received the positive results of my BRCA1 genetic mutation. Not because he wasn’t a good person. Not because we didn’t try or love each other. But because reality smacked us in the face, our first major life hurdle, and we weren’t equipped or ready to deal with it.
When I met my current husband, it was different. Not once in our almost 7 years together has he ever made me feel like he was simply there for me. He has always made it clear to me that we are a team. This isn’t “my situation” that he will support me through. It is our situation, our hurdle that we will overcome together as a unit. He has not only been my rock, he is my other half. I told him about my BRCA diagnoses less than 2 months into dating. This was part of my story and I needed to make sure he knew what he was signing up for before we fell too deeply in love.
Some of that guilt I felt almost a decade ago is still present and I notice it creeping into my marriage from time to time. When we thought I had breast cancer...twice, when he sits in Boston traffic after a long day at work to meet with my surgeon, those first few weeks of mastectomy recovery when he had to take care of our baby, me, the house, work full time...when my emotional build up to my mastectomy was nearly debilitating...
However, what I am coming to realize in marriage is that it doesn’t always work 50/50. There are going to be times in life when responsibilities shift based on the circumstances. One thing that has been easy to forget is the sacrifice and courage it takes as a BRCA gene carrier to take control of your body and health. This notion has been reiterated to me from my support system and breast cancer survivors such as my aunt, my cousin, and my principal. Each time my husband thanks me for going through such an emotionally and physically difficult surgery to be there for my family, another part of that guilt I’ve held onto for years dissipates. I need to be more patient with myself and remember that my husband, my teammate, is right.
While sometimes in life we are faced with challenging choices, other times curve balls will be thrown at us even with the most meticulous plans in place. During these 8 weeks of recovery I have had time for my body and mind to focus on healing. While this continues to be a process both emotionally and physically, I have developed such a strong sense of gratitude in my heart for my husband, my partner. I have realized, I wouldn’t rewrite the past even if I could. It’s part of my story that brought me where I am today.
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