Leading up to my mastectomy, one of my many fears was that aesthetically I would be unhappy with my body. I was concerned how this would impact my self esteem and confidence. The months before surgery I often looked at breasts and felt layers of emotions.
Fear: What if I get breast cancer before my surgery?
Anxiety: Will something go wrong during surgery?
Shame: Will I hate my body?
My surgeon did an incredible job and my body responded well. The expanders were uncomfortable, yes, but 7 weeks out it wasn’t the physical aspects that were causing the roadblock anymore. As I looked at my body, I did not feel disgust as I was previously worried about. I was thrilled that I didn’t hate my foobs... so what was getting in my way?
3 months out from surgery, I have finally figured it out! Over the past few months my body has become medicalized (similar to how I felt after having a baby). After many appointments of doctors poking and prodding at my body, my husband emptying the fluid from the drains, and the feeling of bricks on my chest...my mind and body were completely disconnected. Just coming to this realization was a huge step forward.
When I looked in the mirror, the scars and incisions didn’t make me sad, they made me feel vacant. I didn't recognize or feel like it was my body. How can one feel connected with someone else when they feel disconnected from themselves?
The next step was feeling sexy. My husband assures me all the time he thinks I am beautiful, but if only it were that simple. It really had nothing to do with him, it was how I felt about myself. With the tissue expanders still in, my foobs are incredibly hard and uncomfortable and I have lived in a front zip sports bra (not the sexiest of bras!) After surgery, my doctor said I need to wear a tight bra with support and no underwires. So per the recommendation of one of my mentors in the BRCA community, Lesley Murphy, I purchased a new bralette. I can’t even begin to explain in words what a difference it has made!
Even though my body has been through a major transformation, I no longer feel like it is a medical contraption. I feel a sense of relief that even though my exchange surgery has been delayed, my mind-body connection is growing stronger day by day. In hindsight, the piece of advice I wish I could have given to myself 3 months ago is, be patient and kind to yourself. This process takes time...but time really does heal.
Love,
Erica
This is the bralette that I absolutely love. The model in this photo is wearing nude, but it also comes in black.
Wacoal Bralette from Nordstrom
This is the zip up sports bra I have been wearing since my expansions were complete. It's so comfortable and the perfect amount of support. I love how the straps look like a regular bra. It comes in a few different colors.
All in Motion Sports Bra from Target
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